Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Shame is for Republicans.
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