my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
