I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
