He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
