eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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