I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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