beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I said "one day" and that day is not today
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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