How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize