I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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