I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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