when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm getting married
To pizza
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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