somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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