Already got asked if we're dating
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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