Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I love having hate sex.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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