my text book just quoted the cookie monster
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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