my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
