I wish my penis had an off switch
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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