Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
