Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
