High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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