3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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