booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
