i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
