in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
