You're a womanizer and a bitch.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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