I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
