Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
