New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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