we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
