Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
