i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
