I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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