; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He better not be in your backpack
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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