I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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