I smell stomach acid.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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