Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
