dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
