im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
