I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
