My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
