My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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