mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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