Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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