ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
