seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
