i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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