I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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