I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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