K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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