God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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