I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize