He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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