I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
