It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
40s are totally the cure
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
